One of the main components for any type of recovery, such as anxiety, depression, or even addiction is taking responsibility for all effects the illness might have caused in our own community and life. It is never okay to pass off negative behavior by offering the excuse of our mindset at the time. The negative behavior must be recognized, regret must be expressed, and positive change must ensue. Sometimes a person is so wrapped up in trying to make it through one day without a panic attack, he or she cannot see passed the end of their own nose. Remember what taking responsibility for past actions is NOT. It is not saying, “I understand it is completely my fault, and I am sorry for what I did.” That’s a start, but not enough. Taking responsibility for past actions includes taking the steps to recognize, heal, and correct the real problem or cause that prompted those actions and harmful effects in the first place. Today I want to dedicate this blog to the family members, friends, colleagues, and various “village members” who have had to watch a loved one suffer from an “invisible” debilitating illness…
Throughout my years of suffering from anxiety and severe panic attacks, my closest family members and other members of my community bore the pain of seeing my emotional breakdowns, until I finally recognized my illness and took steps towards recovery. The following snippets are basically memories that reach the surface of my mind every once in a while and provoke nothing but PURE GUILT as I can now, in retrospect, understand that I would have been a much better Mama, wife, and overall, “person other people like to see coming”, in these moments had I taken ahold of my life and health sooner than later. Perhaps by purging my soul through expressing these stories will help my guilt to disperse into the thin air and vanish to nothingness.
THE MISSISSIPPI STATE UNIVERSITY FIELD TRIP
My oldest son came home with a permission slip for a class field trip to Mississippi State University. I told myself I would worry about signing the slip and paying the money later. I was just too stressed at the moment! As the deadline approached, my son would come home and tell me his teacher had warned him about getting the fees paid so he could attend the trip. My anxiety had completely scattered my focus, and I got this field trip to Mississippi State campus confused with another school activity, which was completely optional. I dismissed my son’s requests for his fees; and when I realized it was too late for him to attend the field trip, I called the teacher in a pathetic effort to pay the dues late. I was declined, and my son had to stay at school alone while his classmates attended a field trip to Mississippi State University campus. My son reminded me how he tried to tell me what I needed to do, and the guilt I felt was almost unbearable. I thought of a quick fix! To make up for this incident, my husband and I took my son to his favorite restaurant, a movie of his choice, and allowed him to purchase an expensive toy. I still feel guilty when I remember his missed field trip.
MRS. SMITH’S MATH LOG
Again, my oldest son suffered the consequences of his mother’s dismissal. His math teacher had given a printed calendar to each student to keep in his or her binder. The calendar was to be initialed by a parent each night after each student had completed homework and reviewed math facts. It is a wonderful way to include parents in daily classrooms activities and nightly homework. Every night, every single night, my son would complete his homework, review his math facts, and attempt to show me everything he was doing so I would sign his calendar. I would smile, tell him what a good job he did, and instruct him to put everything in his backpack. I distinctly remember him trying to tell me to sign his calendar, which I would quickly dismiss as I did not see the point. I thought if he did his written homework, what’s up with the calendar? Fast forward to the end of the month. The math teacher instructed all students to show their initialed calendars, and students were instructed to walk laps at recess; specifically, one lap for every day they missed a parent’s initial. When my son remembered, he had my husband sign his calendar; but that was few and far between, due to my insistence of keeping his work in his backpack to avoid forgetting something at home. My son had to walk twenty laps at recess, because he only had ten initialed days on his calendar. When I was informed of this, I was livid! I proceeded to question the principal about this teacher’s practices. Why was my son punished for my wrongdoings?! The principal explained the teacher is attempting to teach students responsibility, while at the same time, include parents in nightly homework. I remained livid as I rudely told the principal how my son would remember what a horrible teacher he had; a teacher who had the audacity to punish him for something his careless Mama did wrong. Principal/Teacher, if you are reading this, I apologize and take full responsibility! What my son remembers about this punishment is how he tried to get his Mama to do her job as a parent, and she failed miserably! I am now a teacher, and trust me readers, what goes around, comes around!
MY HARDWORKING HUSBAND LOST HIS SLEEP
My husband is one of the most understanding, patient men on this Earth. I am forever indebted to him for staying awake with me sometimes into the wee hours of morning as anxiety and panic would make my physical body a shaking, crying, screaming, and often times, raging force. When the panic would start usually around 10:00 PM, I would force myself to eat something heavy or drink something hot to aid my body to go to sleep. However, usually around 1:00 AM or 2:00 AM, I would wake up with a jolt, heart pounding, body shaking, and half crying half screaming, “Call the ambulance! Something is wrong!” My husband would try his best to talk me down from this attack, but I would always force my way to the phone and call paramedics. After a while, my husband gave in and allowed himself to lose sleep while simply sitting up with me as we waited for the local paramedics, who slowly began to lose their sympathy as they were called to my house at least three times a week. My husband shared with me later how he suppressed anger, as well as a bit of worry, during these times. He was angry at losing sleep night after night over what he knew to be an imagined illness; however, he also had the worry of a possible real illness lingering in the back of his mind. Only in recovery was I able to look back at these hard times and have more love and respect for my husband than ever before. I had no idea how hard this was for him to watch!
I WAS CENTER OF ATTENTION, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY
People who suffer from anxiety still have to carry on with daily lives even in the midst of the disorientation, loss of breath, and panic. My co-workers would often have to carry my share of the work as I charged to the restroom to stand in the front of the sink for thirty minutes to an hour. Customers would approach my desk, and when I would quickly ask my co-worker to take care of them for me as I had to go to the restroom; I was met with looks of confusion and annoyance. My colleagues were gracious, but they also became fed up with having to cover for me. When asked behind closed doors why I felt the need to run to the bathroom so much, especially when customers had arrived, I had no real way to explain myself other than offer my truth. I couldn’t wait! I had to leave my station right then! The same was true when my sons and I went through other daily walks of life. Church, lunch with friends, grocery shopping, taekwondo classes, parent/teacher conferences, and taking my animals to the veterinarian’s office: all of these places, at one point or another, became a target for my impatience, constant running to the restroom to calm down, a resurgence of irrational fears (thinking I was choking on a bone while eating fish fillets), shaking, angry outbursts, or sudden crying. While certain situations such as poignant church services or parent/teacher conferences are normal for making someone emotional at times, I was told in later years how uncomfortable and confused people were at my off-putting over-reactions to certain situations. I can only hope I have been forgiven.
THANK YOU, GOD, FOR MY RECOVERY! Fast forward to today….While I continue to use tools, techniques, and meditative prayers to help me on days my anxiety attempts to stir within me, there are still people who might be in the midst of situations like the ones I described above. There is help, and please remember, there is ALWAYS hope!
If you are a family member, coworker, or best friend of someone who is suffering from panic attacks, anxiety, or depression, please understand these are real illnesses that require real treatment. As a loved one of a sufferer, please know that those who suffer from mental illness or addiction respond better to treatment when they have the understanding and support of family, friends, and community. Trust me when I say your loved one is NOT having panic attacks, shaking from anxiety, or so depressed he or she is unable to get out of bed, because they are high strung, overly hyper, or just looking for an excuse to be lazy. The most harmful things done toward mental illness sufferers are being dismissed, mocked, and not taken seriously. The next time you consider dismissing these loved ones’ bursts of emotion resulting from his or her illness, try to do one of the following instead…
Listen with Intent to Understand
By simply taking the uncomfortable situation of a panic attack or talk of sadness or depression seriously and listening with an open heart, your loved one will begin to feel better. If they do not feel better about their illness, trust me, they will at least feel safer knowing they have your complete support in wanting to help them heal their invisible wounds. Dismissal of their symptoms will only exacerbate them.
Intervene if Necessary for Safety
Sometimes these illnesses cause someone to develop coping strategies in order to combat the feelings of depression or panic. While certain coping strategies are helpful, others can be harmful such as alcoholism, drug usage, excessive money spending, gambling, and over-eating. More often than not, these addictions and anxiety or depression go hand in hand. Without shaming or judging, do not be afraid to intervene to help your loved one. Make a solid argument and stand firm, but make sure your argument is not hateful or judgmental. With love, explain to your loved one that physical coping mechanisms are not healing the anxiety or depression, but only adding a life-threatening factor to an already established illness. It is time to seek help!
Hands Off! Don’t Try to Fix Them
As good as someone’s intention might be, it is nothing short of aggravating to hear the words, “It’s okay,” “There’s nothing wrong with you,” or “Just don’t think about it.” Another equally aggravating thing is to hear the same old lecture of how “this needs to stop” after another panic attack has caused a bit of chaos in whatever situation was taking place at the time. Just as you are unable to “fix” an alcoholic or drug addict with anger, force, or lecturing, you are also unable to “fix” someone who suffers from a mental disorder by constant nagging, lectures, or simple dismissal. Not only will this behavior incense the anxiety sufferer, but codependency might also form as a result. Metaphorically speaking, take your hands off of them! Until they reach a point when they want to seek help, then whatever help that is offered freely will not be neither accepted nor appreciated. Whatever you are certain you know or however hard it is to watch, the only steps you need to take are ones to protect your own existence and offer support without judgment or attempts to “fix” your loved one.
No human being is perfect, and we all have aspects of our physical and spiritual beings upon which we need to improve. It is imperative for everyone to have patience and listen with love to our family members and friends who are suffering, without crossing the line to becoming co-dependent or enabling. It is equally imperative for those who have caused damage to loved ones due to mental illness or addiction to recognize, offer regret, and change our ways, without excuses or blame.
Just My Perspective 