Physical Is Mental

Counting today, teachers have exactly seven days left for summer vacation.  Hey, teachers, how many of you have been asked, “So you ready for school to start back”?  Regardless of what each teacher has done on personal vacations or during family time this summer, we all reach a point of wanting to get back to our passion of growing young minds, which includes the daily teaching, staff meetings, and exuberant elementary activities which bring out the youth in all of us.  I know I feel it!!!  However, as I long to return to my passion, the past few days have been riddled with physical illness.  Migraines, body aches, weakness, fatigue, and moodiness are just a few of the symptoms I have been experiencing.  Symptoms not unlike those of depression?  A bit of mind pondering and longing for intense prayer began last night.  Am I really sick with a physical ailment?  I do not have time for that gnat in my ear right now, thank you!  Why would I be depressed?  Is depression setting in when I think of ending my summer?  No, my brain has been telling me how much I want to return to work.  We have new administrators, several new teachers, new classrooms, and a wonderful fresh perspective about engaging and growing our students!  Why would depression symptoms begin appearing?  Why am I sick now?  Alone in my bedroom, I began to beg for answers from the only all-knowing, all-seeing being in my life…my Higher Power, my Alpha and Omega, my God!

Do you ever have times when you desperately need answers, and you know this prayer will be so fervent that God’s omnipresent power will hit you right between the eyes?  Ever attempt to speak this fervent prayer and words will NOT come out of your mouth?  I was stretched on my bed, my face buried in the pillow; and my heart was crying out, but my mouth could not speak.  But that was okay!  God knows my heart, and the voices in my brain were telling me, “Just be quiet and listen.”  I silently meditated, breathing slowly, and tried to focus all energy on hearing God’s voice.  Random thoughts began entering my brain.  I began to remember earlier prayers for this upcoming school year.  They flowed into my memory as I remembered my own voice asking for various aspects to make this school year perfect in my eyes.

“God, I pray to be a great teacher this year.  Help me be more like this teacher or that administrator.”

“God, I pray my fellow teachers and I will truly love each other and work together as a great team.  Please allow them to see me as an asset and not a disposable extra.”

“God, I pray I will do everything I need to do to help my students grow.”

“God, I pray all of my classroom décor will look good after all the work I put into making it.”

A few more prayers were remembered, but I will keep those between God and me.

Here is where the omnipresence of God hit me between the eyes!  How many students remember the exact way a teacher’s room was decorated?  How many students remember if their teacher had a really cool decorative clipboard?  How many students remember if their teacher had the best seating arrangement compared to other teachers in the building?  How many students ever pondered whether all teachers within the building were best friends or not?  I can’t seem to remember any of those physical things.  What I do remember is how certain teachers help me grow as a student, young lady, and overall “fully prepared for the next level” person!  The best teachers I remember were the ones whose focus was on their passion for cultivating the minds of tomorrow.  The migraines, body aches, weakness, fatigue, and moodiness vanished as God revealed my prayers to be way too self-centered and not enough student-centered or passion-centered.   Although my prayers may have first appeared to be prayers for logical things we all want, these prayers were LOADED with my own pride and self-centeredness.  My fear of not having the physical aspects of the classroom laced with a perfection that the outside world would love, along with the fear of my administrators and colleagues not seeing me as the “perfect” teacher, created nothing but stress and anxiety, and my physical body began to suffer as a result.

God also reminded me of a special teacher in my life.  Katie Hayles is hands down one of the best teachers I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, not to mention working alongside.  She never fails to keep me inspired!  Not only is Katie a great teacher and person in general, but she is also one who will never leave anyone else hanging.  My mind’s eye often envisions Katie climbing a mountain high above the rest of us, and just as someone starts to slip, she reaches her hand down and pulls them up to her.  A very important memory with Katie struck my heart and mind during this prayer, and now I believe this memory will never leave my heart as long as I live.  We had just finished a weekly planning meeting with our administrators.  The assistant principal complimented Katie on her wonderful compare and contrast lesson with the book Tuck Everlasting.  I was proud of hearing her compliment and then instantly a bit annoyed.  When I expressed I had done the exact same thing in my lesson, it was neither acknowledged nor complimented.  My annoyance turned on my anxiety full force as my mind told me I was neither acknowledged nor complimented, because those around me simply did not care about me and did not like me as a fellow teacher.  Please note these feelings were also deeply rooted in my own self-centeredness!  I went to talk with Katie as our working relationship had turned to friendship, and I expressed my worry.  While I will keep the conversation protected as it was very personal, the memory of the point of this conversation has been renewed in my mind, and I finally made the decision to put it into play.

The point was simple.  It is okay for others to look up and hopefully be inspired by other people, but when we feel the need to copy their ways exactly and expect to receive validation for that copycatting, we will never reach our own full potential.  Katie repeated several times, “Stop worrying about this!  You are awesome!  Just do your thing!”  I kept arguing that I am trying to “do my thing,” but others do not seem to think it is good enough!  The fact is, I was not doing my thing, I was doing Katie Hayles’ thing.  While she is a WONDERFUL teacher to have as a mentor, my own purpose will never be fulfilled if all I ever do is copycat what Katie or any other wonderful teachers do.  I have met plenty of wonderful educators and administrators and have taken steps to do what they do, much to my own detriment, as their ways did not always work for me.  Be inspired by others’ works, but find the path of making the inspiration your own work, not copycatted work!

Thus, my prayers and outlook have changed radically overnight.  Yes, I literally mean overnight!  My body is energetic, my face is smiling, and my spirit is like fireworks as we draw closer to beginning this new school year.  Why?  Because I am finally willing to embrace the advice of “doing my thing.”  I am making signs which inspire me, so I hope they will inspire my students.  They are not as creative as others can make them, probably, but they are me!  They are pieces of plywood, spray painted, and written on with an oversized magic marker from Wal-Mart, but they are me!  My focus has shifted from, “Will my room décor look perfect?” to “God, please speak to the students through these signs and my daily teaching.”  My prayers have shifted from, “God, please make the world around me perfect, so I can teach easily” to “God, You are the reason I am here.  Please send your Spirit down, and make me Your vehicle.”

It is a natural human desire to seek validation though achievement and precision, but when said desire begins to take over your spirit and mind, hence causing your body to develop illness, then it is time for the outlook of the given situation to change.  Emotional fear, desire to please the outside world, and over-zealous pride only aid physical hindrance and ultimate dissatisfaction.  The only ways we can achieve complete happiness and fulfillment is by abandoning a few things:  desire to be exactly like others, seeking too much validation from others, and perpetuating the ideas that we will never be good enough.  These feelings are not from God; these feelings are from our internal fear and pride.

Do you want to be someone who inspires others or changes the world?  Drop the pride!  Drop the fear!  Embrace the YOU God made YOU to be!